Myra Lewis, Running Commentary

Punch me in the face. . .

2011-12-13T13:56:00.000-05:00

Punch me in the face

if i ever become one of those people who posts on line about how difficult/demanding my graduate school coursework has become.
or just generally if i ever complain about something that i brought on myself.

Punch me in the face

if i ever post online about weight loss or exercise.

Punch me in the face

if i ever become pregnant and proceed to post a photo of my baby bump on line.
each.
week.

and please God, Punch me in the face if i ever, ever,
use the word,
"hubby".

more Pmitf installments to come.
i'm sure.

Thanks for reading,
Myra Lewis

Look for me on CNN.

2011-12-05T15:23:00.001-05:00

#occupy_dc

Although I won't be getting arrested.

Ma already said I couldn't
:)

7

2011-12-01T13:18:00.001-05:00

i'm not here to lie to you. that's not what this blog is about.

So i'm gonna be honest.

i

was stood up two weeks ago.

you heard me.

Stood.

Up.

There I was.

Standing there.

                                                                             * * *
i met him online.

and while I'll be honest, I wasn't like over the moon to meet him person, I was willing. I mean, what the hell else was I doing.

And I'll also admit that I was personally very flattered by how eager this person seemed to meet me. And while we weren't a particularly high match percentage wise, i thought i'd be open and give it a shot..

He asked where I wanted to meet.
      I chose a place in my neighborhood.

I suggested we meet there at 7.
      He said, "Sure!"

Keep in mind that after the aforementioned "Sure!" he and I had no further communication. Because I did not feel that anything further was needed.

So I get to the predetermined neighborhood place at approximately 6:55pm. And while I am of the school of thought that a woman should make a man wait a bit, and sweat a little, I thought that I'd be a nice person and be a bit early.

This is because i know, for a fact, that when you are meeting someone for the first time, if they are even so much as one minute late, you begin to fear that you are being stood up.

7:00pm

he's not here. i'm looking around, i don't see him. i check his profile online just to be certain that i know what he looks like. ok. i'm certain.
someone comes in the door. is that him??
no.

7:06

maybe he doesn't know where this place is. i mean he lives in South city, I live in the Delmar Loop, I don't know where a ton of places are in South city.
bullshit Myra. everyone knows where the Delmar Loop is.
and yeah you do know where a ton of places are in South City.

7:12

i send him the following message online : Hey there it's a little after 7, are you still coming?

keep in mind that i don't have this persons phone number. BUT that he always, ALWAYS responds back to me online within minutes.

no response.

7:22

still not here.

you should also keep in mind that my self-esteem is decreasing by the second. it feels like there is a giant spotlight shining on me, and everyone at this bar can see that i am waiting for someone who isn't coming. and while i know that isn't true.
that's how it feels.

and so i sit there. looking fantastic might i add. in a fuscia sweater (because men like bright colors), and a fabulous scarf. in cute earrings and perfect make-up. because let's face it folks, i know what i'm doing.
and i decide that since i've already waited this long, i'll give him another eight minutes.

7:27

i ask for advice.
the bartender is a young blonde woman. pretty. wearing one of those i'm-a-bartender-tank tops and push up bra. she has a long ponytail.
i look at her and think to myself that she's probably been on a date or two in her life.
and so i wave her over.
"Excuse me, I just wanted to ask your opinion, if you were supposed to meet someone here at 7:00 and it was 7:30 and they hadn't showed up, you would leave?
Right?"

She says, "you mean, like a date?"
I nod.

"Yeah, I would leave" she says, "because. . . 7 is 7."

7:30

I send him the following message: I know we didn't exactly confirm, and for that apologize, but it's 7:30 now so I'm going to head out and maybe we could try this another time.

still no response.

i suppose i could have stayed and had a drink by myself, like the confident and independent person that i am.
but, i had wine at home,
and i was kinda hoping this would be a freebie.
know what i mean?

and while i hate to waste a full face of perfect make up, i went home.
                                                               * * *

In my line of work i deal endlessly with people. some of them amazing, some of them ridiculous. and with people comes the endless possibility that they will dissapoint you.
My friend Ashli says, "Get up for the let down."

but also in my line of work we take our learnings very seriously. so that when all else fails, in a meeting, in a campaign, in an election,
you take the learning from it.

so while i was home with the make-up remover i had an interesting thought.

even with all of the let downs that may come along with dating, i still don't wish i was in a relationship. i still don't wish i was living with someone. and i still don't wish that i was married.
and so with that

i suppose i live to date another day.

and i also thought of a very important learning. something the bartender said to me that i will remember for the rest of my romantic life:

7
is indeed,

7.

(of course i'll always secretly hold out hope,
that he's dead)

thanks for reading,
Myra Lewis

3 months

2011-11-21T16:48:00.001-05:00

3 months from today 3 significant things will be taking place.

it will be time to pay for the car insurance again for the first car i have ever owned.
it will be the end of my 6 month contracted position at work.
i will be 25 years old.

let's go back for a second. . .

three months earlier,

August 21, 2011:

It was a Sunday. and I had just purchased a red convertible. for a good price might i add. from a lovely lady, who's family was growing, and therefore had outgrown the family's Chrysler Convertible. Luckily my own family, consisting one "young single gal" and the occasional niece and nephews was a perfect fit. A perfect fit for the wine red American made Chrysler Sebring convertible LXI, now more affectionately know as,

Queen Elizabeth Taylor II.

Before I go any further I must tell you that I have been dreaming of owning a real convertible since Christmas 1991. I emphasize real because that's when I got the Barbie Corvette. I suppose that was really the first car I ever owned. It too was a convertible. and in it I cruised the sidewalk.

I won't go in to how long it took me to actually obtain a legal driver's license. or all the lessons i took. with all of the crazy instructors. or the toupees that they wore. or all of those years i spent on the bus, on the train, on the subway, on the Amtrack, arranging rides, in cabs, or just pounding the pavement. Riding with other people, inhaling their second hand smoke. fearing for my life. listening to their music.Borrowing other peoples cars, being scared to death to wreck them, and driving illegally.

and i won't even go into the long mental and emotional journey i went on in order to come to terms with needing, and then buying a car.

it was pretty deep though i can tell you that.

the gist is that for the longest time the reason that i didn't have a car was because i couldn't afford one. and neither could my family. i didn't realize how strange this was until the 6th grade when i mentioned it to Shannon Vrouvas. and what followed was a moment that i would never forget. Shannon stopped, looked at me, cocked her head to side and with wide eyes said,

"How does your family get around?!"

I remember feeling so stunned by her disbelief. i mean no offense to Shannon but she looked at me like i had just told her that my family ate other families at Thanksgiving.

more adolescent horror ensued when i was in high school. forget the fact that i was already 16 years old and a senior. add to it however that i didn't get a license. not that year. or even the year after that. which as you well know is a teenage crime.

the flip side of all of this was as i got older and starting working and socializing in increasingly more progressive and liberal circles, not having a car and taking public transit made me. . .cool?

it was strange. people admired my not having a car. and my ability to get everywhere and do everything. they were in awe of my not being intimidated by mass transit. i had a certain "street credibility" that i liked. a brand of resourcefulness and courage that people honored.

so because of all of that i had made up in my mind that buying a car was going to mean two things.

A.) i wasn't poor.

B.) i wasn't cool.

and i'll admit it was a mini identity crisis. Luckily, after some procrastination and being asked out by one homeless person too many on the #97 Delmar Bus, I decided that I had to get over it! Bite the bullet and get the car of my dreams.

I remember thinking to myself, "If I have to have a car, I'm going to have the one I want."

So by that Sunday evening I was a car owner. Outright. And I called Progressive Auto Insurance. And me and Queen Elizabeth Taylor II were covered for the next six months.

***

Now you may be asking yourself, Why did I have to buy a car?

Well, that Sunday was also the day before I started my new job:

Myra Lewis, labor union organizer.

A regular revolutionary. and while my old job might have found it convenient that i knew so much about the bus system of greater St.Louis, this new gig, not so much.

A car was required.

I had just quit my first real job out of college a couple weeks earlier. And that was an experience. Let's just say that growing isn't easy. and in the job I left I did a lot of growing. again i won't go in to how much growing. i won't go in to how i learned that the world of work is. . . a different world.

I won't go in to how difficult it was to form healthy working relationships. Or how i learned that everyone isn't a team player, a hard worker, or even a worker at all. How it's one thing to be ambitions, and another thing to be selfish. one thing to be invested in your work, and another to sacrifice your sense of self because of it. how some of your best attributes as an employee can be all to easily taken advantage of and even abused.

that in the very wise words of someone i once worked with, you really do have to "watch your back. because no one else is watching it."

But I will tell you that in all of the positions i will ever hold, i have a sneaking suspicion that none of them will have mattered more to my life and who i will have become, than that position. my first big kid job. and for that i am grateful to have had it.

and grateful to have left it.

Even if it was for this current position which i know hold that is only contracted and temporary. and while i've been a temp before and it isn't the most secure feeling, i know that i'm doing good work.i knew that taking the position would mean stepping out on faith in a big way. and being present to the moment and the lessons that this job would bring. So on that evening while preparing for my first day in what we in the biz call "The Labor Movement" I was happy to be able to say that I had made it through my first career transition. Complex, yet relatively seamless.

So needless to say that Sunday night I was reflecting on my life in a big, big way. And the truth is that even without those things, Queen Elizabeth II and the new job, I would have had something on my mind.

Because Sunday August 21, 2011 was also my half birthday.

***

Now maybe you think it's silly that someone over the age of five even considers their half birthday.

let alone someone in their twenties.

but that's what i am.

a 24 and 1/2 year old who considers everything.

And i've been looking forward to 25. Every since I heard Patti Stanger of The Millionaire Matchmaker on BRAVOtv say that "25 is the perfect age." and i certainly don't think there is such a thing as the perfect age, there is something prime about it.

turning 25 makes me think of that saying, old enough to know better but young enough to do it anyway.

So i found myself that evening thinking about the next six months and what they were going to bring. And how I was going to manage everything in the mean time. If things with the car would work out. How the new job would go. And most importantly,

just what would be my answer to the birthday question???

So here we are at the halfway point. 3 months of car ownership under my belt. Half way through this work assignment. and 3 months away from the quarter century mark in life.

and here's what I know:

1.) A car is a lot of trouble. I can now replace a fuse, add oil, and change a headlight bulb. I can tell you how much it cost me to fill up the last time I got gas, approximately how many miles I get to the gallon, and how much two new tires are going to run you. I know that I have to listen closely to my car and feel for any changes. and now perhaps more than i hate talking about the weather, i hate talking about traffic. It's a new responsibility. One that I can handle, but an extra one nonetheless. It's been a headache at times and certainly cost more than the bus ever will,

but damn, it sure does look cool.

2.) I have found that adjusting to a new working environment is kind of like adjusting to a new relationship. you're gun shy to say the least. apprehensive and insecure. because you've been hurt before and you don't know if this will be different. I am finding that all you can do is your personal best. bring everything you have to the table. and learn everything. don't do the position, or yourself a disservice. and be you. all the time.

3.) I am going to have a fabulous 25th birthday.

Thanks for reading,

Myra Lewis & Queen Elizabeth II

2011-11-02T19:06:00.001-04:00

hmmm. . .

New Truths

2010-11-28T20:57:00.004-05:00

some people would describe me as "wishy washy".

or maybe as someone who wants to have it 'both ways'.

neither of these things are true.

if i am one thing, it is a bit obsessed with what i call, the space in between.

around new year's i think a lot about the time when the past meets the present.

on the Style Network the slogan is: Where Before meets After

i have experienced serious 'limbo' in my own life. and i even wrote an essay once called "In The Meantime. . . "

so needless to say i spend a lot of time (in my own head) sorting out my life. and here is the lastest thing i've been contemplating.

truths.

if there is one thing i know about life it is that it changes. and this should not be news to anyone. what i hadn't ever thought about was how the truths in life change also. and it wasn't until recently that i discovered this.

i have been trying from several months now, not to run from my past or keep it a secret, but to accept certain things as simple facts and the truths of my life. in doing so i have changed.

and true to life, just when you think you've got a hold on it, it gets a hold of you.

and when something in your life changes significantly (or even seeminly insignificantly) it changes you (if ever so slightly) and it changes your truth.

but the kicker is that there is then a time of reconciliation where you have to accept the new change in your life and also the new truth.

and there is a moment, where the old truth and the new truth meet. or a time when you try to believe both. and it is so strange.

but it's been interesting to think about.

Falling Slowly. . .

2010-10-17T22:18:00.002-04:00

everyone knows that i love fall.

it is no secret.

i love every minute of it. the changing leaves, the brisk weather, the greatest of all holidays Halloween.

not to mention the September issue of Vogue Magazine and endless new fall designs. Autumn, easily the most fashionable season. the season for a jacket and sturdy shoes. the season that gets you (and me) out of tank tops and into a smart and sensible cardigan. dressing once again like the grown up i have been longing to be all summer.

and i won't go off into a tangent about the foods of fall, but i will say that for dinner tonight i had piping hot potato soup, and the most delicious cup of tea i've (with honey) in recent memory.

one thing I find comforting about the fall is the ritual of it all. every fall school starts again. and every fall apples will be in season. and every fall there will be pumpkin flavored anything you can imagine. and there is Halloween and Thanksgiving and all the personal rituals that go along with that. for me fall is a season that i can count on.

if one year was one day then fall would be the time before bed.

it is the time for winding down. for slowing down. for taking stock in the year's near end to reflect a bit. to savor. the way you would a spiced latte. or a rich hot chocolate.

that's what i love most about fall. the richness that is the season.

opening presents. . .

2010-09-13T22:56:00.002-04:00

every year i make two sets of resolutions.

i make a new year's resolution. several of them.

and i also make birthday resolutions. i'm ridiculous. especially since new year's and my birthday are about 8 weeks apart.

my main new year's resolution for 2010 was to be more . . . present. present in my life, present in my thinking, present and in the moment, as we say in theatre, in all avenues of life. and in order to hold my self to this i decided to document this somehow.

one thing you should know is that i'm slightly addicted to journaling. i'll explain. i have a regular journal, a travel journal, a journal for writing about intresting people i meet, a collection of prayers of sorts that i've written down, a 'birthday question' answer book, this blog, beginnings of essays, and countless letters i've written to myself over the years. again, ridiculous. somewhere i even have written down topics of coffee conversations between myself and two very close friends.

oh and photos. i have thousands of photos. and assorted memorabilia. which leads me to believe that it isn't so much journaling that i like. but, documenting. documenting my own life. while living it. i was recently on an airplane writing in, what else, my travel journal. and i wrote, "i write in this journal because i never want to forget. i never want to forget this moment and how t felt."

which brings me back to resolutions. i discovered in the past couple of years that during the times in my life when i was the most unhappy it was because i had gotten ahead of myself. and so to combat that and find happiness again i should work towards having a more present mind and heart. and i would consider them gifts. gifts of the present moment that keep me grounded and happy. and it works. so, every night before i go to bed i write down that days "gifts of the present moment". and i have done this since January 1, 2010.

i also made a birthday resolution to be more open.

this has been harder as you can imagine. although with this new gig i've got it's really pushed me reveal a lot about myself. (more on that some other time.)and one thing that i'm finding is that there is a lot of freedom in being open. that's the only way i can describe it as. freeing. like taking off your girdle after a long days work. and that's another thing, it's a hell of a lot less work to be open! i mean at first you have to practice but once you get it, it's like you can't stop yourself. you're opening up all over the place. it's slightly dangerous.

and i think that being more open has made me better able to see the gifts in everyday. like i'm more open to recieving them. and i'm seeing them clearer all the time.

so here i am, 3/4's of 2010 almost over, and one month past my half birthday. and i think that i'm doing very well with all of my resolutions. all at once i am able to be self-aware and self-reflective.

i am open to the present.

the running commentary has been far less running these days hasn't it?
sorry about that.

paperclips

2010-02-18T20:53:00.003-05:00

some of my favorite things on earth are office supplies.

there is so much you can do with them. so much potential. and the office supply people have thought of everything. for instance, when i was a kid we only had one type of post-it note. it was yellow and standard sized. but now they come in all colors, shapes, and sizes. and they even have small skinny ones that are perfect for keeping your place in a book!

i love paper as well. all types. lined, computer, notebook, construction, card stock. and notepads can't get enough of. i have three in my purse currently. a steno pad, a plan white notepad, and a tiny memo book.

but the other day i was introduced to something new. it was a staple remover. though not the small kind that you pinch to use. it was stick-shaped with a metal foot at the end that you use to slide a staple out. now what was really cool was that at the other end of this staple remover was a magnet. you use it to pick up the little staples after you remove them!

unbelievable.

anyway this guy i work with was showing me this the other day. and while i thought it was cool i told him that i don't really use my stapler that much. he couldn't believe this. he apparently can't live without his stapler. but i said to him,

"you know, i'm really more of a paperclip girl"

and the truth is that i hate having to staple things. i don't like the feeling of squeezing the stapler in my hands. and that awful punch. i hate the idea of piercing holes in to sheets of paper forever. (i'm getting tense just thinking about it)

perhaps you can already see where i'm going with this.

i have a bit of an issue with finality. getting to the point where something is decided, finished, concluded, done, is a process that takes me a lot of time. i get very nervous at the thought of making the final decision on things. i cannot make a decision like that quickly. i need plenty of time with it. plenty of time.

it took me about a years worth of research to decide on which laptop to buy. i am currently debating over when will be the right the time to invest in a smart phone. (i've been thinking this over for about a year as well so, fingers crossed, we're getting close.) but you don't have time to think with a staple. i feel like stapling is the equivalent to a snap decision. it happens in an instant.

but you know what gives you a little more time?

paperclips.

a paperclip gives you time to think it over. a little while to be sure about things because before you make any final decisions. it literally helps you hold it together while you're deciding. with a paperclip you can try it on for size. you can see how it feels. you can double check. and research for a year to make extra sure that you are making the right choice.

and that's important because more than i hate stapling, i hate un-stapling. i don't like realizing that i've made the wrong choice just because i decided too soon. and i don't like trying to undo something that can't ever really be undone. sure i can take out the staple. but that doesn't mean i undid it. there will always be holes in the paper. it will forever be ripped by the mistake that was made. where as if you had just papercliped it (with one of those mini paperclips that i like best) you could have taken a breath and been that much surer.

and i often wish that in life there were more paperclip opportunities. chances where you could just try something out before you stapled yourself to it. at this point in my life i'm finding myself very fearful of committing to things too soon. and i say that at the risk of sounding flaky. i just know that i need time. call me crazy, but i just can't bear the thought of having to remove one of life's staples.

as you can imagine weddings make me very anxious.

but i'm happy to say that four years later my Toshiba Laptop and i are still very happy together.

i'll keep you posted on the smartphone.

Janus

2010-02-01T13:05:00.005-05:00

(so i planned on writing this yesterday on jan.31. but sadly i am a day late.)

i love the beginning of the year. new year's is one of my favorite holidays. and it always has been. ever since i was a child the new year made me so excited! there was always a party at my uncle's house, lots of food, confetti, music. so much celebrating, and right after christmas no less!

and as i got older i started to realize what the new year meant to me. and it's that brand new-ness that goes along with it. that feeling that everything and everyone is starting fresh.

i wanted to write this post during a time when perhaps some of that freshness about new years had worn off for some of us. hoping that this could somehow serve as a reminder that this year and this decade is still new. despite it being (already) the second month.

one thing i've learned in my new year's research is that we get the word "January" from the Roman God Janus. He was the God of beginnings, endings, doors, and gates. He had two faces. one that looked forward, and one that looked backward. and in celebration of Janus we celebrate that space in between. where one moment ends, and another begins. when our past meets our present.

it is a celebration of transition.

and i don't mean just jumping from one thing straight into the next.
i mean the time in between.

up until now i haven't thought of that time in between as anything worth celebrating. much like everyone else i just want to hurry up and get the new thing/year/decade started. but it isn't always quick. and it isn't always smooth.

i heard a quote once that said; you have to close one door to open a new one. but it can be hell in the hallway. . . and hell is right.

when transitioning personally i think that the hardest part is the distance one feels from oneself. it's like you are moving away from your past and into your future. but it is at times what feels like a really long walk. and while you're walking you feel as though you have NO IDEA where you're going. and it's the damnedest thing. for me it's been the feeling of not recognizing the same things in myself as i used to. not liking things i used to really like. (for instance i have this puffy hot-pink coat that i used to really like. i'm wearing it more now that it's been colder lately. and you know what? i don't think i like it anymore. i bought it about 4 years ago and i loved it! i thought it was damn cute! and now when i wear it i don't feel like me. it's like the coat belongs to someone else. and i even feel a bit silly in it. i feel like i would NEVER buy such a thing. but that's not true. because 4 years ago, i did.)

and it's not just superficial things like coats. some of my opinions have changed. and i am beginning to understand things in new ways. my wants have changed. and even parts of my character.

and i know that this is all normal. everyone goes through this. and i've gone through it before. it's just that now it feels stronger somehow. and that's okay! i'm not complaining it's just really weird. weird to feel like i once knew myself so well, and now i know myself less.

but maybe that's the point of the hallway. to get to know the new parts of yourself before you meet the new you at the door.

Gotta love that Janus. where would any of us be without him. . .

Fog

2010-01-21T22:04:00.004-05:00

during the past few days here in st.louis there has been a lot of talk about the weather.

those of you who know me well, know that this drives me crazy.

i will say that when the weather is particularly extreme i understand the fascination with it. snow in May is certainly worthy of note. but if it's only cold in December then what's the cause for discussion? of all the things we could be talking about on earth you want to talk to me about something that is literally regular as rain.

and i know what you are thinking. "Myra, it's only small talk."

this is true. and i also know that i can small talk with the best of them. but i just feel that talking about the weather isn't the best someone has to offer. surely, even if it is only small talk, you have something more substantial to offer me in conversation. (and i won't even get into my thoughts on the "windchill factor".)

but on this occasion the talk about the weather struck me in an odd way. the big story the past few days. . .

fog.

thick fog, light fog, dense fog, visibility, humidity, dew point, mist, all of it. and i must admit it has been pretty creepy. it was so dark and foggy the other morning that i half expected a cat to start talking to me on the street. that's how eerie it was. but more than the creepiness of the fog mainly the conversation centers around how dangerous it is.

"the visibility is only 2 miles this morning." the weather man tells me on the early morning news. then there is an interview with a commuter. she talks about how much longer it's taking her to get to work because she has to drive so slowly. "everyone slows down because of the fog", she says, "i guess it's because nobody can see where they're going."

but maybe that isn't so bad. maybe not being able to see too far ahead is a good thing. i don't think of it as dangerous at all if it makes you slow down. how could going slower be dangerous?

one of my new years resolutions is to try and live more in the present moment. to slow down and embrace what my life looks like right now. and not try to get too far ahead of myself. in terms of weather i am decreasing visibility. (to be quite honest i think i see less than 2 miles ahead of myself these days.) but that's good! because i think that when that happens the things you can see, the things that are right in front of you, the tree on the corner, the stop sign, the neighbors car, you see those things so much clearer.

you're so much surer. so much more careful. you strive more for certainty in every step while crossing the street. in every 2 miles you drive. you work through the fog. and it's hard. but it forces you to really look at things. to study them carefully. to find solutions.
how do i get to work, safe, and on time without hitting anything or anyone???
fog is defined as a cloud that comes into contact with the ground.

i think that when the clouds in your life (the stresses) are up in the sky (or up in your head) just whipping by it's easy not to really deal with them. it's always easiest to run away from the clouds above and wait for the sun. but not when those clouds show up on the ground and stare you in the face. and you have to slow down. you have no choice. you have to look closer. you have to take your time. and you always end up being safer and more certain in the end. on the other side of fog.

decreased visibility. increased clarity.

but enough about the weather. . .

Tuesday

2010-01-19T06:33:00.002-05:00

you know i've always felt a little bad for Tuesdays.

i think there isn't anything special about them. you know how Mondays are kind of dreaded. and even though that isn't a good thing it's still something.
Wednesdays are hump day. you've made it half way.
Thursdays are almost Friday. especially if you have Friday off.
Fridays have there very own restaurant!
We're all living for the weekend where Saturday is fun day and Sundays are for resting and ice cream!!

but what the hell is Tuesday??

unless you have Monday off, then Tuesday just gets all of the left over dread of Monday plus grogginess from the long weekend. other than that i can't really think of anything. and for the past couple of Tuesdays i've been thinking about how i have no emotions attached to the second day of the work week.

unless it's today. for the past couple of weeks i've been quite nervous about today. this is going to sound dramatic but i think that my life might change today. it may not. i don't really know. and in thinking about this Tuesday it dawned on me. . .

Election Day.

Election Day for the United States Presidency is always on a Tuesday. It's always the first Tuesday (after the first Monday) in November. every four years this is the most important Tuesday of our lifetime.

and i started to think that maybe that's what today would be for me. for everyone else, just the day after a three day weekend. but for me,

a once in a lifetime Tuesday.

(Pisces

By Rick Levine

You are standing at the threshold of a new adventure as auspicious Jupiter enters your sign today. Although great changes may not occur overnight, your horizons will begin to expand and new opportunities for growth could appear at your door. Keep in mind that your attitude will make the difference between success and failure. You must be willing to risk a bit of security in order to begin your incredible journey.)

Commercial Free

2009-12-10T20:27:00.004-05:00

when you're out of work you have lots of time to watch t.v.

(no more filing for me, at least for now. see previous post)

today i was able to watch the season finale of FOX's "GLEE". such a fun show:) a real pick-me-up mid week. an uplifting way to spend your Wednesday night.

i was watching this episode on the popular website Hulu.com. a wonderful invention. and as i began to upload the episode i was given two options:

i could either 1.) watch the extended 2min 17sec commercial then proceed to the video commercial free. or 2.) start the video but be interrupted with commercial breaks.

and i immediately thought, "oh, i can sit through 2min and 17sec of a commercial to get through GLEE commercial free."

and it was a no-brainer decision.

so obvious that it made me wonder why it's always so hard for me to realize this when it comes to other issues in life.

most things worth having, most goals worth attaining, take time. there is always a period of time be it brief or not so brief, where we have to stick it out.

wait it out.

and when you do so in the future you are rewarded. and everyone knows this. again it's obvious. i can't tell you how much i enjoyed watching "Glee" with no commercials! it was wonderful!

and i'm sure that i would have been kicking myself if i had chosen, in haste, to have commercial interruptions. i would have enjoyed it so much less.

so i would highly advise going to Hulu.com

if for nothing else, but a lesson in patience.

Being Filed

2009-11-21T14:42:00.005-05:00

being filed

so i do a lot of filing at work. that's all i do. i know the alphabet forwards and backwards. technically i'm a file clerk.
realistically i'm a glorified ABC's know-er.

when i'm finished organizing a group of forms i head to the file room to file them. in case anyone should be searching for them during that time i took it upon my self to make a note for them (okay, a post-it) that i place in the empty in-box that says "Being Filed".

being filed. in the process of being put away.

"don't worry HR office. i have them. i know exactly where they belong. and that is where i am putting them."

at least that i what i hope the note implies.

as you can probably guess that when one is being a file clerk there is much time to think. alphabetizing, recognizing letters, doesn't take up nearly as much thought as it would ifyou were, say, a preschooler. and in the three months that i've worked in this office i've been having what i call a 'parallel moment'.

i have these quite often. it's a moment where my physical life imitates something very close what i'm dealing with internally. one day weeks ago i looked at the note and i thought to myself:
being filed? i'm the one that's being filed...

but being filed as what?

when i'm at work and someone hands me something to file the first thing i need to know is what it is. if it's something that needs to be filed right away, like a person's entire file. or if it's something that can wait. like random screen print out of some changed information. i have a bit of a system i'll have you know.

so let's say for instance that someone brings in a student status verification. that is piece of paper from the college or university proving that someone is a registered full time student. when i look at this i need to know who this student is. and who their mom or dad are. because it is their parents file that this will go in. is this person a current employee? or a retiree? does it need to be attached to anything else before i file it? (i don't claim that this work is involved. i just claim that it is sort of a process.) so, once i've figured out what it is, who it belongs to, and what the priority of it is, i can find out where to put it. most times this goes smoothly.

other times it does not.

what if i can't find where it goes? what happens when there are 16,000 files in the file room and the one you need isn't there? what if you're looking for Myra Lewis? you go to the L section. then the LE's. then the LEW's. you seen Adam Lewis, Billy Lewis, Frank Lewis, Jackie Lewis, Louis Lewis, Mark Lewis, Mitch Lewis and then...

Norman Lewis. no Myra.

here's what you do. you bring it back to your desk and it sits there. with a pile of a few others that you can't find. you put a post-it on it. a different one this time. and it says "FILE NOT FOUND".

and there it sets. and sets. the good news is that after a while some executive assistant will just look up the person's information, create a label, then put it on a file folder and stick it back there. (cozy, right between Mitch and Norman)

wouldn't that be great? if the thing you were looking for was just created for you. and you didn't have to spend time looking. seeking and not finding.

here's how this parallels my own life. (aren't you glad i'm not above spelling it out?) most every day i wake up and i ask myself the questions. who am i? where do i belong? what are my priorities? where should i put myself? and throughout the day these questions are unanswered. and if i don't have the answers then i can't find the file. i can't even begin to.

this is more difficult because i am both the questions and the file. so i don't quite sit on the desk with the "FILE NOT FOUND" post-it.

i never make it out of the in-box.

Deliberate

2009-10-24T16:50:00.002-04:00

i looked up the word deliberate in the dictionary which i think is a really cliche 'writer' thing to do. and i'm sorry. but i had to start somewhere.

this is what it said:
(1) to consider a matter carefully and often slowly
synonym: ponder

(2) done with or marked by full consciousness of the nature and effects.
synonym: purposeful

to deliberate over say, and idea, means to consider that idea with great thought.
to act deliberately means to have an understanding of that action and also of its consequences.

i have a friend who gives me books. and she always has. since quite possibly the day we met. and the last one she gave me had an essay in it by actress Phylicia Rashad whom i love (she's the mom from The Cosby Show). and in this essay Phylicia Rashad has to write a letter to her past self. an idea that i think is beyond emotionally healthy. in her letter she writes to herself as a young actress just out of college and living in New York City in a rented room at the YMCA. she writes,

Dear Phylicia,
You are experiencing a time that won't come again - not like this. This is time to spend carefully and deliberately . . .You don't even know yourself yet. You think you do - but you don't. What is in front of you is a whole world of experiences beyond your imagination. Put yourself, and your growth and develpment, first.

the friend who gave this book may not know this, but this book, and the passages in it, and specifically this one from Phylicia Rashad, are what i have been trying to live by, and live on, since it was given to me one year ago.

i must say that i didn't quite understand how one could be both careful and deliberate. i didn't know how the two definitions of deliberate fit together. i thought that when you did something deliberately you didn't care about what happened next. but that's not true. it's the opposite. when you do something deliberately you have to know what is going to happen next. you have to know why you did it. on purpose and for what purpose.

first, you must ponder. then, comes your purpose.

this time in my life, this crazy mixed up time, this recent graduate with little direction time is very uncomfortable. and it has caused me to do many things. everything from cutting off my hair to cutting across the country. weigh-loss to worship. i feel like i have run the gammet. and for all the nutty things i have done i have pondered doing much nuttier.

and all of these nutty things are just me finding out what is the right nutty thing. and so far i haven't had much luck. i mean i like my hair, but i think i can do better. i cut across the country, then i cut back.

i have to understand that now is the time to ponder. and when i've pondered over something long enough i can't be afraid to try it. even if people don't 'get it'. it's just me putting my development and growth first. right Phylicia?

and eventhough i'm uncomfortable most of the time and i feel like a selfish person because i'm thinking of me all the time, i have to know that this is all about getting to know myself. whoever i am. whatever my hair looks like. wherever i live.

when i think about deliberateness i cannot help but think of my youngest nehpew.
Deven.
age 2.

he is the most deliberate person i know. he does anything he wants. most 2 year olds do. he doesn't get away with everything, but he tries it all. if he wants to play with something that is not a toy, like the vacum cleaner or my perfume, he's going to try and play with it. and if you have a cookie, or an ice cream cone, or a piece of candy, or anything that looks like it may taste sweet and he wants it he's going to try and take it from you and he most likely will.

deliberately.

but at 2 years old he doesn't have a good grasp of consequences. at 2 years old he can't exactly think things through (although he does know all of his colors). and that is the difference between him at 2 and myself at 22. he doesn't see why the vacum cleaner or the bottle of perfume are not toys. but i can, theoreticaly, think through the nuttiness of that idea.

i know that i don't have to try everything. i can't. i have to be careful with who i am and what i do with myself.

but when the right thing, or opportunity, or job, or school, or even cookie, comes along and i've thought enough about it, i owe it to myself to try and get it.

deliberatly.

(exerpt from the book, "What I Know Now, Letters to My Younger Self" by: Ellyn Spragins)

beyond

2009-09-22T22:34:00.002-04:00

"beyond".
i say that a lot these days. and if you've had a conversation with me recently you probably know that. but since i have the majority of my conversations with myself these days perhaps you haven't.

i usually use it before an adjective to make the declarative statement stronger.

"Ma, you are beyond ridiculous."
"This job is beyond boring."
"Daniele (my sister), your children are beyond outrageous."

it also works in the positive.

"Granny, this dinner is beyond delicious."
"Oh my gosh, you look beyond amazing. Beyond!"

while i was at the beyond boring job today i was thinking about how i would describe my life in one of these statements. and i came up with this:

"My life is beyond...recognition."

isn't that something? everyday i get up before sunrise and go to work. and i file. and i file. and i file a bit more. i have approximately four cups of coffee and take what seems like twice as many bathroom breaks. then i leave. and i maybe run an errand after work. and then i come home. eat a little something (or a lot of something if i'm being truly honest). and i maybe can stay awake long enough to talk to a friend on the phone, maybe i can't. and then i go to bed.

and the next day is the exact same.

and this i don't recognize. this is not me.

Turn, Turn, Turn

2009-06-22T13:55:00.006-04:00

you know that song by The Byrds?
it's from the 70's or something, and while i'm really more of a 1950's-60's enthusiast i've always liked that song. it goes like this:

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

okay so maybe it's also from Ecclesiastes in the bible. it is quite honestly a blatant rip off but that's beside the point.

The point is this: on March 8th,2009 i got on a plane and ended up in New York City. On March 21st it was the very first day of spring. it snowed like it was winter.
Yesterday (June 21st) was the first day of summer. it rained like it was spring.

and i think that this perfectly sums up my time in the city. unexpected. there are things that you expect from the season of spring. you expect sun, and rain, and birds, and flowers in bloom, and Easter Sunday and graduation. you don't think of snow. or at least i don't.

it's the same for summer. beach, swimming, bbq, hot hot long long days. not rain. thunder and lighting. summer storm excitement. but not regular old rain that won't stop.

and that's the thing about these seasons i guess. they surprise you. new york surprised me. i was surprised by the parts of new york that i liked. the street food, and the street performances, people being out and about all the time. the parts of new york that i didn't like, the stress of being in the city all the time, how difficult it is to get to know people in the midst of all of that stress. but what has surprised me most about my time here is that i'm glad it's almost over.

i was partially prepared to come to new york and adore every second of it and want to stay. and when that didn't happen i was genuinely shocked. there was a time a few weeks ago when i thought, "when this is over in a few weeks i'll be glad to go home" and it's not that there aren't things that i'll miss because there are! i will miss the people that i intern with, and i'll miss my roomate and her family, i'll miss times square, and the Manhattan skyline, and the view of the Hudson.

i remember i used to always talk to a dear friend of mine about turns. how it always seemed like it was everyone else's turn to do something amazing but never mine. lame i know. but it's how i felt. it was always someone else who was having some life changing experience, going off on some grand exploration, enjoying some stroke of good luck, blah, blah, blah. and this friend would tell me that you have to wait your turn. that everyone always has to wait their turn.

and i knew this. i went to kindergarden. my mother teaches preschool i know all about turn- taking.

and eventhough this same friend will tell you that i was scared out of my mind about moving to New York, i am beyond excited to say that when this turn came in new york i was sane enough to take. and i do mean take, i practically had to steal this internship but that too is beside the point. but i also know that it's time to leave. and i am also beyond excited for what my next turn will bring.

I am leaving New York on Saturday June 27th 2009. exactly 111 days after i got here. 1-1-1, that has to be lucky right? when people find out that i'm leaving in a week they say, "OH NO! Why don't you stay?" and my answer is this:

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

I took my turn in New York City, and my season has ended...

I Have A Degree

2009-06-12T13:45:00.003-04:00

i have a degree.

a B.S.

in psychology.

from Missouri State University.

and i would describe said degree, along with a host of other professional experiences, as very broad. and at another time in American History I would have had no trouble finding work.

this however is not that time in American History.

i have managed to find a job in New York, finally. and before i tell you what it is i want to tell you that i have had more jobs than possibly anyone my age.

-Marshall's (Sales Associate, which is code for cashier)
-Deliah's (Sales Assistant, which is code for t-shirt folder)
-Southwest Missouri State Phone Campaign (Asking alumni for money)
-Campus Information ( glorified greeter)
-Telemarketer (1 day. aweful)
- United Home Craft Demonstrator (Saying: "Free Estimate? Windows? Siding? Cabinetry? Sunrooms?" To roughly 200 people a day. I lasted 3 weeks on that job, 1 person said yes.)
-Temp. (Receptionist, Data Entry, Administrative Aid, all of these are code for "copy girl".) I worked as a Temp off and on for about 4 years and the pay was great and i worked in approximately 12 different offices throughout the st.louis area.
- Waitress (and i use the term loosely. 4 whole days. i couldn't take it.)
-Intern for WHY Hunger in New York City (I intern on the National Hunger Hotline, and research different avenues for the Hotlines expansion. they pay me in peanuts.)
-Box office worker for and off-off-off Broadway Production (give people tickets, take their money)
-Research Participant for the John Jay School of Law in Manhattan (i pretended to be a juror. this wasn't so much a job, but they paid me.

and to be honest i'm probably forgetting a couple. the last 3 are all jobs that i was able to find after i had attained my degree. now of course i've heard that sometimes your degree is useless. but i thought for sure that somehow mine would mean something. to somebody.

but alas, here i am in New York City working as a petitioner for Gerry Esposito. He's running for City Council in the 34th District of Brooklyn. And he has to get about 1000 signatures to get his name on the ballot for the primaries in September. so yours truly is knocking on doors in Brooklyn collecting signatures to make a living. With all of that Bachelors level psychology in tow.

i was talking on the phone yesterday to a friend and she said to me,
"well it's kind of cool isn't it?"
she went on to say that this was life, and that we were all in the same boat. all of us recent graduates and young adults in the "real" world of work. she told me that it was a difficult time for everyone and we were all in it together. that this would be the time in our lives that we all sat around and talked about in 30 years. she said,
"it's like our own version of the '60's."

i hope that she's right. i hope that in 30 years i look back on this time fondly and with appreciation for humbling me and shaping my future.

and also hope that i still have a blog then.

I am a Rude New Yorker

2009-06-03T14:27:00.002-04:00

First i want to let you know that you should never tell a New Yorker that they are rude. for two reasons.

1.) they don't like it, it offends them
2.) they are in denial

now anyone who knows me knows that i hate rudeness. it is one thing that gets me truly angry. of course being in New York has taught me that something like rudeness is relative. i never knew that. i think i always thought it was one of those things that was the same across the board. but not so. if you are from a place, the Midwest for instance, where the people in your opinion are nice. not as hospitable as the south, but still in your area of the Midwest people try. try to be nice. try to be polite. try not to be rude.

in New York it's different. New Yorkers don't have time...to try. They are very busy. They walk very fast. and they don't have time to try not to be rude.

so instead of categorizing them as rude, i'll call them "direct". even the way they say 'excuse me' (if they say "excuse me") is done in such a hurried and semi-annoyed way that it makes you question whether or not they even really mean it. but what i realized on the subway is that the way i would say "excuse me" to someone i was trying to get past is altogether different than how a New Yorker would say it. I would take time to make sure that i was nice about it.

or at least i would have 3 months ago.

What I've realized during this the beginning of my 13th week in New York is that it takes approximately 8 weeks to adopt this "directness" as we'll call it. i'll give a few examples:

1.) My first week here when i would here people speaking different languages i would think it was so interesting and cool and i loved being able to witness such vast diversity in one place.
- Now when ever i hear people speaking a different language (which is all the time) i think, I wish they'd shut the hell up.

2.) The same thing goes for the first time i saw a group of rabbis walking down the street. i thought it was so funny, it looked like the beginning of a joke. but it was great because you don't see that everyday where i'm from.
-Now recently when i saw a group of about 14 rabbis walking around midtown at lunchtime i thought, Why don't you fucking rabbis walk a little faster so that i can cross the fucking street!

3.) Which brings me to this: New Yorkers use the f-word. a lot. and now suddenly so do i . i used to think that only on shows like Sex&The City did characters like Samantha say it all the time. not so. Everyone in New York says it in real life like it's going out of style.

4.) Before i came to New York i never had a problem with people looking at me. you know what i mean? like when you're in a public place and there are plenty of people around and your eyes just wander. i mean, i have eyes, i look at people all the time. so when someone looks at me i'm never offended by it.
-Now this is when i knew i was becoming a New Yorker. I was leaving for work one morning a few weeks ago and as i walked up the steps to the platform to get the train i disticntly saw a woman look me up and down. i don't know why, but the thought that instantly entered my head was, What the FUCK is she LOOKING at?! I don't know where this came from. I'm not that person. that person who cops an attitude at all, let alone just because someone looked at me. Missouri Myra just thinks, oh, perhaps she likes my outfit. or maybe i look familiar to her. i should smile. but for whatever reason New York Myra gets pissed.

5.) Finally this example is very recent. as recent as about 9am this morning. When i got off the train in midtown to go to my internship i decided to buy myself an "everything" bagel with cream cheese (my new favorite) from a street vendor before heading into the building. my usual bagel guy is on 33rd street in his cart between the fruit guy and the post office. he's very nice and polite. he always smiles and i always tip him. but because i was already running late (imagine that) i decided to stop at the one a block closer on 34th st (yes, where the miracle happened). The bagel always cost me $1 (and i tip my usual nice bagle guy a quarter) thinking that certainly there would be no difference within only one block i asked 34th st bagel guy: "Can I have an everything bagel with cream cheese please?"
he goes to grab it and i say, "$1 right?" and he says to me, "$1.25" I give him a dirty look and reached in my pocket for change and then he says,

"it's okay, if you don't have the quarter it's fine." he says it in that New York direct half-annoyed way that make me feel like he's not really doing me a favor.

I hope that you know that the bagel most likely did NOT cost $1.25. he was going to charge me extra because i asked him so he assumed i didn't know. as i took my bagel (i only paid $1) i walked away thinking,
I'll bet it is okay, because it's only one fucking dollar anyway. you goddamned asshole.

i don't know what's happening to me.

The New York City Paradox

2009-05-30T22:12:00.002-04:00

The New York City Paradox is this:

1 city. 8 million people. no one to talk to.

so i didn't want to say this. didn't want start out with what's wrong with New York. didn't want to crush anybody's dreams about life in the big city. but after i had been here for a month i started to think that if only...

if only someone had told me about this. if only someone had told me how lonely it can be when you're in a new place an all alone. especially a place like New York. you know it doesn't say that on any of the post cards. you never read in any travel magazine, "Come to New York City! Be lonely!" but perhaps you should. at least you'd have a heads up.

my theory for why this is true would have to just be the New York State of Mind. The NYSM is all about speed. go go go. now now now. fast fast fast. get there get there get there. everyone here walks about as fast as i can jog. a friend of mine told me once that New Yorkers weren't mean. they just needed more time to "thaw" than what i would be used to. my friend was so right. in New York people are a little wrapped up in doing their own thing. and in the city you see so many different people everyday that it is hard to even notice when you are introduced to someone new.

even it does happen to be an exceptionally chatty and inquisitive someone from the midwest.

so for the first couple of months in New York i was on my own. on my own in the big apple. or something cliche. and while it was amazing part of the time. half the time i was a bit miserable.

i will say that slowly i've started to meet people. nice people. i have friends here and it's nice. i've been to museums with friends, to dinner parties in manhattan. to nightclubs in the Meatpacking district and Soho!! being in New York finally got to be as glam as i always knew it could be.

but it took a while. much longer than i'v e been used to in the past. the last time i was new somewhere it was college. but everyone was new and that made it easier to meet people. and to go from being in a place where it felt like i was friends with or had at least met absolutly everyone on campus and in the city, to the largest city in the northern himispere and not knowing a soul was, well, shocking. i wouldn't completely call it culture shock because i'm still in my country of origin. speaking, for the most part, my native language. i would however call it culture shock on more of an intimate level.

a personal culture shock.
the difference is that culture shock happens to you as a result of everything that is happening around you. people wearing different clothes, speaking a different language, worshiping a different God. all things that happen to you on the outside. but a personal culture shock is shocking to yourself at your core. whoever i am at my core was pretty freaked out by this transition to a new place.

and while i would never trade that experience. still,

i could've used a heads up. that's all i'm saying.

consider yourself fairly warned.

Myra, what are you doing in New York?

2009-05-28T11:19:00.001-04:00

i get that question a couple times a week on facebook.

"Myra! you're in New York City?! Since when? What are you doing there?"

people kind of can't believe it. and if i can let you in on a little secret, neither can i.
here's what happened:

i graduated from Missouri State University on December 19th, 2008. and i really only had my life planned up until that day. after that i didn't really know what would happen. i knew that i would take the spring semester off to do...you know... whatever. i had applied the month earlier for a post graduate internship in Denver, Colorado. that however did not end up happening. a separate story for a separate post.

now if i can take you even further back in time to my childhood i will. as anyone who knows me will tell you i grew up watching tv. i literally grew. up. watching. t. v. my mother tells the story of how when i was a baby she would sit me up on the couch and i would start watching the television. and how if someone changed the channel, i would cry. sick. but true. and the one thing i always remembered when watching t.v. as i got older was that all the big shows were set in New York City.

Friends. Will&Grace. The Nanny. Sienfeld. The Cosby Show.Sex and The City.The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The Today Show. Lettermen. All the Woody Allen movies. everything was New York. I made up in my mind a long long long time ago that one day i would live there. where all the great t.v. lived.

So after graduation i went home for Christmas. and the rest of my life. and i distinctly remember thinking that if i was going to go off and live somewhere else for a little while that now was probably the time. and December 27 i applied for two internships in New York City. 1 of which i got.

Patricia Rojas from WHY Hunger (a hunger and poverty outreach non-for-profit) in New York City called me and asked me if i would be able to interview for the internship with her organization. she only had one question. "do you live in New York?" well needless to say at the time i did not.

she didn't want to give me the internship. for several reasons. 1.) the internship pays, but not well. definitely not enough for one person to live off of in new york city. 2.) i would have to find a place to live, also difficult. 3.) i would need a part time job in the city. hard to come by in the economy. and 4.) they have never had an intern come from so far away (Missouri is apparently far far away). Patricia pretty much told me that i could not have the internship and that i could apply again in the summer if i really thought i could handle taking care of all those things.

we got off the phone. and i remember thinking "this can't be the end." i proceeded to send Patricia emails and call her on the phone and "wear her down" as she says, until i persuaded her to give me a chance. just a chance to see if i could find a place to live and a job and get there and make this happen.

and i did. i currently live in the Bronx with my roommate Yareniz Nunez and her dog Shooby (the dachshund). as far as a job that has been a little harder to come by. i've done a series of odd things. i worked in an off off Broadway Theater working the box office, i was a political canvasser for a couple of days in Long Island, i took part in a jury selection research study at a law school, and i most currently accepted a position to do some petitioning for a city council race.

and since new york is just as expensive as everyone has always said it was i have enjoyed everything free the city has to offer. such as central park, beautiful. subway performances, indescribable. and just walking around and exploring the city i see things that i know i wouldn't see anywhere else.

so that's what i'm doing in New York. interning. and looking around.

i'm thinking

2009-05-04T15:40:00.000-04:00

i'm thinking about going public with this.

i'm thinking.

As you know...

2008-11-15T18:16:00.000-05:00

As you know it is fall. fall is my favorite season, i don't know why. that's a lie. i do. it's because fall is when school starts. i'm a geek. i also love coats. and fall is the start of coat season. i also loves men's coat. on myself as well as on men.

anyway that's not the point.

The point is this; a few days ago i saw the most beautiful leaf in the history of autumn. it was hanging from a tree on campus outside of my old residence hall. all of the leaves on this tree were still green. and was walking past this building the way i have so many times before only i looked up and something stopped me.

there was leaf on this completely green tree that was changing. it was the only one. and it was turning this beautiful red color just around the edges. and it was magnificent. but i started to think to myself about changing.

i wondered what it must be like to be the leaf that changes first. it must be so hard to be the first one to do things.

then again i wouldn't know.

MKT 350

2008-10-03T18:13:00.000-04:00

I'm in a marketing class. it's called marketing 350- principles of marketing. did you know that i was once upon a time going to be a marketing minor? anyway that didn't pan out.

but i'm in this class with a professor named Dr. Linda Pettijohn, she's very chic and trendy and dresses very well. She's obviously quite successful.

anyway i'm in this class learning about businesses and business relationships. which, you guessed it, are a lot like people relationships. i'll explain.

one interesting thing that we learned about in marketing 350 in the concept of core competency. A business' core competency is essentially what they do best. For example the core competency of Starbuck's is their ability to make a good cup of coffee. Coffee is what they do best.

Once you determine your core competency you can determine your market. Your market is the group of people who want what you have to offer. The market for Starbuck's is people who want a good cup of coffee.

Core Competency defines your Market.

Now, intially when I thought about this i immediatly applied it to personality. Who are you at your core? What's the one thing that you do best? And in relation to that one thing who is your market? Who wants, or needs, the best you have to offer?

I asked myself. And the one thing that I think I do best is listen. I am a good listener. Which I know a lot of people would say about themselves. But I feel like I listen intensely. I am genuinly interested in every word that anybody has to say. Listening is my core competency. And my market?

Anyone who wants or needs to talk I guess.

I think I'm going into the right profession.

Then I started to thinking about a friend of mine. A young woman, very attractive and exceptionally spirited. This friend of mine is a "dater". She dates, and meets, and mixes, and mingles with what seems like a new guy all the time. Young men seem to really like her. A little too much too soon one could argue. And she always has a new "stalker", or new guy in her life. Although none of these relationships never seem to get off the ground, or last very long at all. Now as much as I like this friend of mine and think that she's lovely, I couldn't help but wonder:

What do they love so much about her initially? And how come it never lasts?

Because let's face it don't we all those people? The guys or girls who are always dating someone new. Always meeting someone new. Always finding themselves romantically involved with what seems like an endless parade of people all marching proudly, smiling as they wave, down the main street of this person's lovelife. All the while this guy or girl that we know is dressed as the parade grand marshal throwing candy down to us from their float as we sit alone in a lawnchair watching from the sidewalk.

Then I thought about something else that I learned in marketing.

It's very important to stick closely to your core competency. Be exclusive to your market. If you're Starbuck's and you make a good cup of coffee and you are doing really well with your market of good coffee drinkers, if you start offering too much, like hamburgers suddenly or soccer balls, people who just want good coffee maybe aren't going to feel so welcome at the coffee house. While you may think that the market will increase and you'll get more customers. The opposite is true. Those who once felt that you catered especially to them will think that you don't. And they'll go to someone who does. People want to feel that you have what only they need. Someone who doesn't want hamburgers or soccer balls may begin to feel out of place at a Starbuck's that sells them.

Because when you try to market to everyone, you end up marketing to no one.

Those people we all know, the ones with the parades, the reason the line of people seems so endless is because they manage to interest everyone. But the reason that so many people are always coming and going is because these people get uncomfortable with so many others in the line. When you appeal to everybody you appeal to nobody.

And I think that the reason so many people want to appeal to everyone is because they are a bit unaware of who they are at their core. Or maybe they know completely and they're scared. My advice to them is this:

Never fear the person you are at the center of yourself. Because there are people in this world who want and need what only you have to offer.

For every core competency, the market is vast.

earrings

2008-08-19T17:17:00.000-04:00

anyone who knows me knows that i like to wear earrings. a lot. i have a million pairs and, i don't know, their kind of my "thing". i blame my mother.

i have this one pair of earrings. they are really cool looking. i paid about 99 cents for them at a beauty supply store about 2 years ago. they are lovely. silver round and they have these little cutouts in them. when i bought them i thought they were beautiful and interesting. everyone else i knew really liked them as well.

i have lost these earrings twice. and each time i find them. so not only are they pretty and cool, i also think they're lucky.

another thing i loved about these earrings was that i could where them with absolutely anything! no matter what i was wearing or where i was going i could put on these earrings and they always looked good. they always worked. I could wear them everyday with a t-shirt, they looked good for a night out. they were my absolute favorite. every single time i put them on i felt like myself. these earrings were perfect.

these earrings always fit.

somewhere along the line in the last few months something changed. i have tried to wear these earrings on several different occasions. with t-shirts, with cute tops for a night out, anytime really just like before. but every time they haven't been right.

"maybe it's my new haircut" i've said to myself. but i don't believe that. it has to be something else. because i have other earrings that in my opinion look just as good as they did before if not better. the shape of my face hasn't changed. and neither has my sense of style ...really. or has it?
it must be something about my perception. something in the way i see the earrings has changed, and something in the way i see them now has made them stop working for me.

when i realized this is stand in front of the bathroom mirror stunned by this earring dilemma and it's parallel to my present life.

my life is changing. sooner than i think anyone knows, even me. it's even stranger because i feel as though i cannot wait for this change to happen. i cannot wait for the next part of my life. so much so that embracing my present life has become very difficult.

and all i can think about is how things used to be. how a used to be happy with my life. everything about it was great. i was doing everything that i wanted to do, learning all that i wanted to learn, enjoying all that good about my life. and recently something changed. and you guessed it, it was my perspective on life. on my life.

i started to think about the next phase of my life and as it got closer at the very same time it got further away. and instead of being excited about the next part of my life i got upset that it wasn't here yet. and that's when everything all at once started to feel different. everything i thought about my life changed. and suddenly it isn't what i want.

it doesn't fit.

i want something different, new and exciting. and it's so upsetting because, just like the earrings, i'm used to living a life that works for me all the time, no matter what. if it doesn't i make a change. but this time i can't. i just have to wait. i have to wait and wear earrings that don't make me feel like myself anymore.

and it's astonishing. because with the earrings, i still have them. and i still like them, though not as much as before. i am grateful for my life and all that it has made me. i'm grateful to be where i am in life, though not as much as before. and even though i do believe that one day i will find another pair of earrings that are my new favorite, and one day i will live a life that makes me very grateful again, the question i ask myself all the time is

"what do i wear in the meantime?"

i wish i could call jennifer anniston...

2008-06-15T14:36:00.000-04:00

because for starters i am one of those people who sometimes can't help but feel like celebrities are friends of mine. i honestly still can't believe that Halle Berry has yet to send me a baby picture.

but jennifer anniston, i feel like she is distant aquaintance. not a bff or anything. more like a girl i had a class with a few semesters ago and never really talked to again. but every now and then (now that i'm watching The Breakup) she comes to mind. Like when i see her in an advertisement for SmartWater and she looks fabulous, in my mind i literally think, "oh that's my friend jenni (yes with an 'i'), i've been meaning to give her a call and maybe get drinks."

mainly because i'm worried about her. i wonder what she's going through. in some ways i think i know. while she's wildly successful, talented, beautiful and yet i feel like i can tell she wants something more.

i think she wants to be married. of course she does, she got married once before so that was a life she chose. i mean we all saw the wedding photos, just lovely. (i wonder what she did with them.)
i think what she wants now is a baby. and of course this is all hearsay because as much as i wish we were girlfriends we are not. and even if we were i haven't called her in months.

and of course it's all made worse because she has to watch Brad Pitt have baby after baby after baby with what's her name. Whom i do not hate either. and i'm sure that jenni doesn't hate her. i'm sure she's a big enough person to be happy for them and their family. i wish i could always be so big.

it isn't so much that she's jealous of what they have or what anybody has because she's smart enough to know that she has plenty (the water helps). she probably just wishes that things in her life were really working out as well. and i know the feeling.

me and jenni would have so much to talk about.

i wonder if she has facebook.

those bumps on your tongue

2008-06-15T14:31:00.000-04:00

you know those little bumps you get on your tongue sometimes?

they are really irritating. they sting and hurt.

my granny used to say that you got them from lying. she calls them lie bumps.

i never knew you could get them from lying to yourself.

2008-05-16T16:50:00.000-04:00

the next time you see me i'll have short hair. really short. but who am i talking to.

that last post was a little abrupt..

2008-05-04T16:25:00.001-04:00

sorry about that.

more substance to come. i promise.

33 weeks

2008-05-03T13:02:00.001-04:00

33 weeks until i graduate college.

i counted.