Didn't i do it right/tried my best/gave it everything i had/everything and no less
"Take It All", Adelle 23
Losing an election
has to be
similar
to breaking up.
And while i'll admit i haven't exactly been through one of those all consuming heartbreaks of the romantic nature. i have been many a listening ear, over the phone, and over lunch, amidst that kind of thing going on in the life of a dear friend.
i've been there for friends who couldn't eat. or couldn't stop eating.
found it odd that they "hadn't cried yet". or couldn't stop crying.
i've been there for the first break up. the second. the third. and even the fourth.
same guy. same bullshit.
and i'm not proud of this but i've even done a drive by of sorts with friend past her ex-boyfriend's house just to, "see if he's there".
all of that to say, i've got some insight on this kind of thing.
So when i recently lost my job, a job that i really wanted, cared about, invested in, and a job that i thought cared about me too, i was. . . stunned.
And while i've had many jobs (most of them in the past year :), and i've successfully made the transisiton in and out of each of them, this one was. . . different.
this job transisiton had all the makings of a tragic break up.
a.) it was a surprise: every tragic break up i've ever witnessed had this 'blown out of the water' element. and even though that isn't all together true for this situation. because it was a campaign i was working on. and there was obviously going to be a loser all along. and it was me. but still. i didn't really see it coming.
and that hurts.
b.) i had taken a big risk and i was completely vulnerable: putting yourself out there is always risky. you could face failure.
rejection.
both!
and you open yourself up, vulnerable to being shaped by whatever happens after you're out there. Out There, is a risky place to be. and my job was no different. i left a perfectly stable job to take on this one. Risk. and it was a contentious campaign that i was getting into and i would forever be shaped by this choice. Vulnerability.
and i am forever shaped.
which leades me to.
c.) i thought this was it. i thought this job was the job: The ONE if you will. we've all thought that at some point. about someone or something. that it was just going to be the thing that changed your whole life. and you've got it all planned out. the places you'll go. the things you'll see. the babies you'll name.
and while i didn't exactly think that i would have this job forever, i did think that my future was contingent on it going well. and that was the biggest difference. it wasn't just some job that didn't pan out.
it was a life choice that i made.
and i'd be lying if i didn't tell you that over the past three weeks (23 days to be exact) there have been times where i've thought that because of this loss, my life wasn't going to pan out.
of course i also realize that's crazy.
(you come to a lot of realizations when you are home with your thoughts for 23 days.)
and so i have to tell myself what i know is true. what i'd tell a friend going through a break up. that just because this didn't work out, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. it doesn't mean that you aren't positively splendid, you are. it doesn't mean that you don't deserve happiness,
you do.
you may have lost something. but you aren't a loser.
there will be other opportunities. and other life choices.
if you want them.
you do.
so while i won't be doing anything drastic, like cutting my hair. changing my look in hopes of a fresh start.
i will be revamping my resume. in hopes of meeting someone new.
Thanks for reading,
Myra Lewis
