paperclips

some of my favorite things on earth are office supplies.

there is so much you can do with them. so much potential. and the office supply people have thought of everything. for instance, when i was a kid we only had one type of post-it note. it was yellow and standard sized. but now they come in all colors, shapes, and sizes. and they even have small skinny ones that are perfect for keeping your place in a book!

i love paper as well. all types. lined, computer, notebook, construction, card stock. and notepads can't get enough of. i have three in my purse currently. a steno pad, a plan white notepad, and a tiny memo book.

but the other day i was introduced to something new. it was a staple remover. though not the small kind that you pinch to use. it was stick-shaped with a metal foot at the end that you use to slide a staple out. now what was really cool was that at the other end of this staple remover was a magnet. you use it to pick up the little staples after you remove them!

unbelievable.

anyway this guy i work with was showing me this the other day. and while i thought it was cool i told him that i don't really use my stapler that much. he couldn't believe this. he apparently can't live without his stapler. but i said to him,

"you know, i'm really more of a paperclip girl"


and the truth is that i hate having to staple things. i don't like the feeling of squeezing the stapler in my hands. and that awful punch. i hate the idea of piercing holes in to sheets of paper forever. (i'm getting tense just thinking about it)

perhaps you can already see where i'm going with this.

i have a bit of an issue with finality. getting to the point where something is decided, finished, concluded, done, is a process that takes me a lot of time. i get very nervous at the thought of making the final decision on things. i cannot make a decision like that quickly. i need plenty of time with it. plenty of time.

it took me about a years worth of research to decide on which laptop to buy. i am currently debating over when will be the right the time to invest in a smart phone. (i've been thinking this over for about a year as well so, fingers crossed, we're getting close.) but you don't have time to think with a staple. i feel like stapling is the equivalent to a snap decision. it happens in an instant.

but you know what gives you a little more time?

paperclips.

a paperclip gives you time to think it over. a little while to be sure about things because before you make any final decisions. it literally helps you hold it together while you're deciding. with a paperclip you can try it on for size. you can see how it feels. you can double check. and research for a year to make extra sure that you are making the right choice.

and that's important because more than i hate stapling, i hate un-stapling. i don't like realizing that i've made the wrong choice just because i decided too soon. and i don't like trying to undo something that can't ever really be undone. sure i can take out the staple. but that doesn't mean i undid it. there will always be holes in the paper. it will forever be ripped by the mistake that was made. where as if you had just papercliped it (with one of those mini paperclips that i like best) you could have taken a breath and been that much surer.

and i often wish that in life there were more paperclip opportunities. chances where you could just try something out before you stapled yourself to it. at this point in my life i'm finding myself very fearful of committing to things too soon. and i say that at the risk of sounding flaky. i just know that i need time. call me crazy, but i just can't bear the thought of having to remove one of life's staples.

as you can imagine weddings make me very anxious.

but i'm happy to say that four years later my Toshiba Laptop and i are still very happy together.

i'll keep you posted on the smartphone.

Janus

(so i planned on writing this yesterday on jan.31. but sadly i am a day late.)

i love the beginning of the year. new year's is one of my favorite holidays. and it always has been. ever since i was a child the new year made me so excited! there was always a party at my uncle's house, lots of food, confetti, music. so much celebrating, and right after christmas no less!

and as i got older i started to realize what the new year meant to me. and it's that brand new-ness that goes along with it. that feeling that everything and everyone is starting fresh.

i wanted to write this post during a time when perhaps some of that freshness about new years had worn off for some of us. hoping that this could somehow serve as a reminder that this year and this decade is still new. despite it being (already) the second month.

one thing i've learned in my new year's research is that we get the word "January" from the Roman God Janus. He was the God of beginnings, endings, doors, and gates. He had two faces. one that looked forward, and one that looked backward. and in celebration of Janus we celebrate that space in between. where one moment ends, and another begins. when our past meets our present.

it is a celebration of transition.

and i don't mean just jumping from one thing straight into the next.
i mean the time in between.

up until now i haven't thought of that time in between as anything worth celebrating. much like everyone else i just want to hurry up and get the new thing/year/decade started. but it isn't always quick. and it isn't always smooth.

i heard a quote once that said; you have to close one door to open a new one. but it can be hell in the hallway. . . and hell is right.

when transitioning personally i think that the hardest part is the distance one feels from oneself. it's like you are moving away from your past and into your future. but it is at times what feels like a really long walk. and while you're walking you feel as though you have NO IDEA where you're going. and it's the damnedest thing. for me it's been the feeling of not recognizing the same things in myself as i used to. not liking things i used to really like. (for instance i have this puffy hot-pink coat that i used to really like. i'm wearing it more now that it's been colder lately. and you know what? i don't think i like it anymore. i bought it about 4 years ago and i loved it! i thought it was damn cute! and now when i wear it i don't feel like me. it's like the coat belongs to someone else. and i even feel a bit silly in it. i feel like i would NEVER buy such a thing. but that's not true. because 4 years ago, i did.)

and it's not just superficial things like coats. some of my opinions have changed. and i am beginning to understand things in new ways. my wants have changed. and even parts of my character.

and i know that this is all normal. everyone goes through this. and i've gone through it before. it's just that now it feels stronger somehow. and that's okay! i'm not complaining it's just really weird. weird to feel like i once knew myself so well, and now i know myself less.

but maybe that's the point of the hallway. to get to know the new parts of yourself before you meet the new you at the door.

Gotta love that Janus. where would any of us be without him. . .