Janus

(so i planned on writing this yesterday on jan.31. but sadly i am a day late.)

i love the beginning of the year. new year's is one of my favorite holidays. and it always has been. ever since i was a child the new year made me so excited! there was always a party at my uncle's house, lots of food, confetti, music. so much celebrating, and right after christmas no less!

and as i got older i started to realize what the new year meant to me. and it's that brand new-ness that goes along with it. that feeling that everything and everyone is starting fresh.

i wanted to write this post during a time when perhaps some of that freshness about new years had worn off for some of us. hoping that this could somehow serve as a reminder that this year and this decade is still new. despite it being (already) the second month.

one thing i've learned in my new year's research is that we get the word "January" from the Roman God Janus. He was the God of beginnings, endings, doors, and gates. He had two faces. one that looked forward, and one that looked backward. and in celebration of Janus we celebrate that space in between. where one moment ends, and another begins. when our past meets our present.

it is a celebration of transition.

and i don't mean just jumping from one thing straight into the next.
i mean the time in between.

up until now i haven't thought of that time in between as anything worth celebrating. much like everyone else i just want to hurry up and get the new thing/year/decade started. but it isn't always quick. and it isn't always smooth.

i heard a quote once that said; you have to close one door to open a new one. but it can be hell in the hallway. . . and hell is right.

when transitioning personally i think that the hardest part is the distance one feels from oneself. it's like you are moving away from your past and into your future. but it is at times what feels like a really long walk. and while you're walking you feel as though you have NO IDEA where you're going. and it's the damnedest thing. for me it's been the feeling of not recognizing the same things in myself as i used to. not liking things i used to really like. (for instance i have this puffy hot-pink coat that i used to really like. i'm wearing it more now that it's been colder lately. and you know what? i don't think i like it anymore. i bought it about 4 years ago and i loved it! i thought it was damn cute! and now when i wear it i don't feel like me. it's like the coat belongs to someone else. and i even feel a bit silly in it. i feel like i would NEVER buy such a thing. but that's not true. because 4 years ago, i did.)

and it's not just superficial things like coats. some of my opinions have changed. and i am beginning to understand things in new ways. my wants have changed. and even parts of my character.

and i know that this is all normal. everyone goes through this. and i've gone through it before. it's just that now it feels stronger somehow. and that's okay! i'm not complaining it's just really weird. weird to feel like i once knew myself so well, and now i know myself less.

but maybe that's the point of the hallway. to get to know the new parts of yourself before you meet the new you at the door.

Gotta love that Janus. where would any of us be without him. . .