Deliberate

i looked up the word deliberate in the dictionary which i think is a really cliche 'writer' thing to do. and i'm sorry. but i had to start somewhere.

this is what it said:
(1) to consider a matter carefully and often slowly
synonym: ponder

(2) done with or marked by full consciousness of the nature and effects.
synonym: purposeful

to deliberate over say, and idea, means to consider that idea with great thought.
to act deliberately means to have an understanding of that action and also of its consequences.

i have a friend who gives me books. and she always has. since quite possibly the day we met. and the last one she gave me had an essay in it by actress Phylicia Rashad whom i love (she's the mom from The Cosby Show). and in this essay Phylicia Rashad has to write a letter to her past self. an idea that i think is beyond emotionally healthy. in her letter she writes to herself as a young actress just out of college and living in New York City in a rented room at the YMCA. she writes,

Dear Phylicia,
You are experiencing a time that won't come again - not like this. This is time to spend carefully and deliberately . . .You don't even know yourself yet. You think you do - but you don't. What is in front of you is a whole world of experiences beyond your imagination. Put yourself, and your growth and develpment, first.

the friend who gave this book may not know this, but this book, and the passages in it, and specifically this one from Phylicia Rashad, are what i have been trying to live by, and live on, since it was given to me one year ago.

i must say that i didn't quite understand how one could be both careful and deliberate. i didn't know how the two definitions of deliberate fit together. i thought that when you did something deliberately you didn't care about what happened next. but that's not true. it's the opposite. when you do something deliberately you have to know what is going to happen next. you have to know why you did it. on purpose and for what purpose.

first, you must ponder. then, comes your purpose.

this time in my life, this crazy mixed up time, this recent graduate with little direction time is very uncomfortable. and it has caused me to do many things. everything from cutting off my hair to cutting across the country. weigh-loss to worship. i feel like i have run the gammet. and for all the nutty things i have done i have pondered doing much nuttier.

and all of these nutty things are just me finding out what is the right nutty thing. and so far i haven't had much luck. i mean i like my hair, but i think i can do better. i cut across the country, then i cut back.

i have to understand that now is the time to ponder. and when i've pondered over something long enough i can't be afraid to try it. even if people don't 'get it'. it's just me putting my development and growth first. right Phylicia?

and eventhough i'm uncomfortable most of the time and i feel like a selfish person because i'm thinking of me all the time, i have to know that this is all about getting to know myself. whoever i am. whatever my hair looks like. wherever i live.

when i think about deliberateness i cannot help but think of my youngest nehpew.
Deven.
age 2.

he is the most deliberate person i know. he does anything he wants. most 2 year olds do. he doesn't get away with everything, but he tries it all. if he wants to play with something that is not a toy, like the vacum cleaner or my perfume, he's going to try and play with it. and if you have a cookie, or an ice cream cone, or a piece of candy, or anything that looks like it may taste sweet and he wants it he's going to try and take it from you and he most likely will.

deliberately.

but at 2 years old he doesn't have a good grasp of consequences. at 2 years old he can't exactly think things through (although he does know all of his colors). and that is the difference between him at 2 and myself at 22. he doesn't see why the vacum cleaner or the bottle of perfume are not toys. but i can, theoreticaly, think through the nuttiness of that idea.

i know that i don't have to try everything. i can't. i have to be careful with who i am and what i do with myself.

but when the right thing, or opportunity, or job, or school, or even cookie, comes along and i've thought enough about it, i owe it to myself to try and get it.

deliberatly.

(exerpt from the book, "What I Know Now, Letters to My Younger Self" by: Ellyn Spragins)